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In today’s evening news, Google has recently announced that they will soon be introducing a new language called Encik England on Google Translate.
This announcement came after recognising the large market gap in translation, as a recent survey showed that 60% of recruits believed their enciks were speaking in broken Russian, and another 20% responded that “they make Helen Keller sound like Shakespeare”. One such recruit was REC S O Tong, who claimed that his encik always speaks gibberish, and every one would get SOL due to the speech disorder causing misunderstandings. “I thought when he yelled ‘fire off’ he meant squeeze the trigger, not to extinguish the flames engulfing his body – now I’m being charged for ND and manslaughter.” Google Singapore has received countless letters from regulars and enlistees alike to come up with a translator for this unique lingo to the enciks of the SAF. Following a failed attempt at attaching Stephen Hawking voice translators to enciks, the decision was made to carry on with this project. One such benefactor of this translator is Mohammed Gullibal, who is a pre-enlistee and will be enlisted to Tekong next year. “I’ve always been scared that encik’s England is very powderful, which is bad because I have a dust allergy” he said. “With this new translator, I might be able to handle enciks in NS!” he exclaimed, extremely innocently and naively. Google is expecting this project to reach to those who are in the midst of serving their NS, and also pre-enlistees who might want to expand their encik vocabulary by next month, yet this appears to be only the first application of this revolutionary technology of many to come. In fact, Google has reported that during beta testing, Encik England has been surprisingly effective in translating the barking of dogs, and the screaming of birds being caught in jet engines. We cannot wait to see what the future has in store!
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Thanks to REC S. A. Tay, it has become apparent that Singapore has become a more harmonious place to exist for all members of society, from those who complain about CPF to jerks who think owning one yacht is a sign of poverty.
REC Tay was queuing for a vegetarian meal in the cookhouse when the auntie reminded him to scan his 11B, and instead of grunting or dismissing her, he replied with "okay, thank you so much auntie". Sources have confirmed at this moment, a flash of light appeared, and suddenly the Malay recruits were all sitting together and laughing with the Chinese recruits. It has also been confirmed that the cookhouse auntie is okay from the kindness explosion, though she has symptoms of nausea and dizziness; it is likely however, that this was caused by long-term exposure to cookhouse food. Reports across the island have been coming in of people being inspired of people doing equally kind things, as class divisions have officially been ended by REC Tay. Even the SAF has felt the effects of this, with high-ranking officers such as BG Ego offering to help less-fortunate soldiers by offering free SOL for anyone who requires fully-subsidised food and accommodation in Rocky Hill Camp. However, this new state of equality has led to new issues, as it was reported that there is now a shortage of HDB void decks to accommodate the rocketing number of couples who choose to marry there. The SAF is establishing a new battalion in honour of REC Tay, called the 1st Virtue Signals Battalion, and is looking to recruit new members to staff this. Our reporters have obtained insider information that the minimum qualifications that the SAF are looking for in potential recruits are anyone who has ever sent their “thoughts and prayers” to anyone on social media. |
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